i'm falling apart, i'm barely breathing
by missloveableskylar
Summary: She's exhausted—her eyes are literally drooping—but she needs a shower. They haven't managed to wash away her misery yet, but maybe this time will be different. / Or, Quinn assesses her mental state. Mentions of self-harm.


_hello everyone! sorry if this is bad... i didn't really know how to get in quinn's mindset, in fact, consider this OOC.  
>this is obviously in the current storyline, but i don't know when this would be... sometime after The First Time?<br>__i do not know if puck is still on probation.. but for the sake of the story, he is :) _

_title is taken from lifehouse's _broken. i do not own this song.

_warnings: mentions of self-harm_

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><p><em>Oh god, she's losing it.<em>

Looking at the framed picture of her little angel and Puck, the only thing running through her mind is how she wants—no _needs _her back. There are water spots on the glass from all the times she's cried on it, but if she squints her eyes and looks long enough, she can make out Beth laughing and Puck's sweet smile. She's going to clean it later though, because—considering the way things are going—soon she won't even be able to see her baby's golden curls.

The doorbell rings and she shivers because she already knows who it is. He's the only person who visits her now besides the rare Brittany, her innocent face saying that she misses Quinn. One time she claimed she was lost and all Quinn could think was _I am, too. _

She throws the covers off robotically and travels down the stairs. The door's barely halfway open before Puck states, "We need to talk."

. . .

She leads him into the dining room without a word. She has a feeling this is going to be bad.

"Look, Quinn, we've gotta stop this." He says and her stomach just _drops _because she thought that he was the one person she could count on and he's asking her to stop trying to get the only thing that could actually make her like bearable—_okay, _even?

Swallowing the sudden lump in her throat and ignoring the uncomfortable burn behind her eyes, she utters: "No."

Puck rolls his eyes and Quinn has to clench her fists to keep from slapping him. The only reason she does not is that he doesn't get how important this is to her, no one does.

"Quinn, this isn't going to work, okay? It just isn't."

She stands up angrily then, pointing her finger at him angrily. "Only because _you _did something to house!"

"Yeah, I fucked with the house!" he explodes. She has never seen him this angry before, and that's saying something. "I did it because I knew it wasn't right. _And _if we had gotten caught, _I'm _still on _probation_!"

"I don't care!"

"Quinn, don't you get it?" he roars, picking up a vase and throwing it across the room. "This is peoples' _lives _you're fuckin' around with, _including _mine. It's not fucking okay and it stops now."

"You think I don't know what this is?" she snaps, eyes blazing with fury. She takes a deep breath to calm herself. It doesn't work. "I know what you're like when you're in love with somebody, Puck, mostly because you've been in love with me. You have feelings for her—Shelby, I mean—and it's disgusting."

"Shut up, Quinn, you don't know what the fuck you're talk—"

"Yes, I do! It's a new low, even for you. You would get to see her whenever… it wouldn't be fair!" her voice wavers a little bit. Puck's face softens a little. "It wouldn't be fair because she isn't yours."

"Beth isn't yours, either. She isn't _ours _anymore."

She does slap him then. It makes her hand sting but, judging by how hard she hit and the red that's already rushing to his cheek, he's worse. To her surprise, he throws his head back and laughs. Any kindness or sympathy he had is definitely gone now.

"You're officially off the fuckin' rails, Q. If you keep going through with this plan, trying to take Beth away from Shelby, I swear…" he walks past her but pauses at the doorway. "Oh, and one more thing? Get some help."

"Puck, wait, you can't leave me alone—!" she starts to protest but he slams the door. Her vision blurs suddenly and she realizes she's crying. She clutches and hand to her mouth and slides down the door, pulling her knees up to her chest.

_When did this go so wrong? _

. . .

What must be hours later, she's hiccupping what's the last of her sobs. She is sure she cried herself out this time—does she have any tears left? Quinn is honestly glad that her parents have taken their second honeymoon this week; they would have sent her to the crazy house (that might be where she belongs). She's exhausted—her eyes are literally drooping—but she needs a shower.

They haven't managed to wash away her misery yet, but maybe this time will be different.

She stumbles up the stairs, barely able to see anything because her eyes are so puffy. She goes to her bathroom and turns on the shower, harshly turning the crank to the left, the hot setting. Even though she's alone in the house, she still closes the door and checks and double checks the lock. She peels off her clothes and gets into the shower. She doesn't even flinch when the boiling water hits her skin.

Quinn feels as if the water is washing away all her sins from the past month, from the past freaking year. The only downfall to the scalding spray is it makes the cuts on her stomach sting, reminding her of her humongous mistake, of how low she sunk. She thinks of everything that's been happening and she just… this is just _one lifetime, _one that isn't even _finished _yet?Because it feels like two or three considering all the crap she's been through.

Once she feels somewhat clean (never all the way), she steps out of the shower, shivering as the cold air hits her body.

. . .

Once Quinn's dressed and wrapped up in her covers, she thinks about Puck.

_Is that what I really need? _She thinks. _Some help? _

She really wants to get better. Now that she's really thinking about it, she has never really been _happy. _Sure, she's had some happy moments. Meeting her first best friend in the whole wide world, making her daddy proud, meeting Santana and Brittany (despite how they sometimes treat each other, they are her best friends in the whole world), dating Puck, dating Sam (never Finn… he always loved Rachel), seeing Beth smile… but she's never been fully _content _with life in general. She doesn't even know what it feels like. And that seals the deal for her.

Quinn Fabray is going to be happy someday, she swears it.

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><p><strong>I DON'T OWN GLEE! that's for santa to give me ;) <strong>

_that's my story... sincerest apologies if it sucked. please review, favorite, whatever else because it makes me happy!  
><em>_my glee tumblr, if you want to follow - rachel-hudsonberry  
><em>_until next time- skylar xxx :) _


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